The Call

You can be assured that when the world is collapsing around a victim of domestic abuse, there is always someone who cares, who can help. The Women’s Safe House is here to help women and children escape domestic violence and abuse.

Please join us by making a tax-deductible year-end gift. Your support helps bring safety today and a future free from domestic abuse. Gifts of $100 or more qualify for a 70% Missouri Domestic Violence Tax Credit.

The Women’s Safe House offers several ways you can support our mission that, includes cash gifts, gifts of Stock/Securities, and Qualified Charitable Distributions (QCD) from IRA accounts for donors 70 1/2 or older. To make a gift and learn more about these options, please click the button(s) below.

Make a Cash Donation   Gifts of Stock/Securities   Qualified Charitable Distribution

Diane’s Survivor Story

My life changed with support from The Women’s Safe House.
 Being at TWSH opened me up to a lot of things. It really helped me believe in myself again and helped us get through a really terrible situation. When I arrived, I didn’t think I was beautiful. Being here and hearing the other women’s stories helped me realize I wasn’t alone and I wasn’t the only one going through something like this.

No one has ever cared for me the way the staff has. They treat every woman the same—with love and patience. They never gave up on me, even though I had given up on myself.

Before TWSH, people would take advantage of my generosity. I didn’t know it was OK to say no. Being here and going to the classes helped me feel more confident and beautiful. It’s been a long time since I felt happy and free. Without those things, I don’t know if I could have overcome my situation. The women and case workers just kept reminding me how beautiful I am and how I have to stand up for myself. The Women’s Safe House gave me power I never had before.

Now, life is different. It’s totally different. I have a home. I never had my own home. Before, my partner was tearing me down inside and out. I am in a way better place, and I just am very thankful to be here…alive and…with my son. I am very grateful that I didn’t end up dead.

For many women like Diane, The Women’s Safe House is a lifeline.

Please donate and help us continue to provide support and safety to survivors in our community. The Women’s Safe House offers several ways you can support our mission that, includes cash gifts, gifts of Stock/Securities, and Qualified Charitable Distributions (QCD) from IRA accounts for donors 70 1/2 or older. To make a gift and learn more about these options, please click the button(s) below.

Make a Cash Donation   Gifts of Stock/Securities   Qualified Charitable Distribution

Your gift may also qualify for the Missouri Domestic Violence Shelter Tax Credit – reducing Missouri income taxes by up to 70% of your gift. Please click here for more information.

How can domestic violence affect children?

• • generalized anxiety
  • sleeplessness
  • aggression
  • difficulty concentrating
  • nightmares
  • separation anxiety

Learn about TWSH’s Youth Development Program!

Missouri Law Updates Fall 2019

Our Legal Advocate at The Women’s Safe House has prepared a report that highlights changes to Missouri laws that help domestic and sexual violence victims.

Housing Rights

Section 441.920 RSMo allows lease termination, other housing rights to victims of stalking, domestic and sexual violence

Victims of stalking, domestic and sexual violence are legally allowed to terminate their leases when documentation of their victimization (or risk of victimization if they remain in the dwelling) is provided to a landlord. The documentation could be a police report, protection order or statement from a service provider (mental health provider, victim services provider, medical services provider etc.). The law also provides victims with protections from eviction or lease termination because of domestic violence etc., this seems to strengthen existing laws nuisance laws that offer protection to survivors as well. The law establishes an affirmative defense in suits for back rent from tenants who left a rented residence because of their victimization. The standard is a preponderance of evidence, similar to the level of evidence required for obtaining an Order of Protection. Landlords are allowed to charge a “reasonable” termination fee to a victimized tenant who terminates a lease, this language is vague.

Trafficking

Section 567.020.5 RSMo requires a child abuse report be filed if an affirmative defense is raised for a prostitution charge for a child under 18

If an individual raises an affirmative defense (if they introduce evidence that, while affirming the fact that they did commit these acts, absolves them of criminal or civil liability) to a prostitution charge for acts that occurred while they were under the age of 18, a child abuse report must be filed

Section 610.131 RSMo allows those who were convicted of prostitution while they were under the age of 18 to obtain an expungement of the offense

If an individual was younger than 18 when they were convicted of prostitution, they can apply to expunge all records of the offense. If the court finds that they were under 18 or acting under coercion (this has great potential, hoping this could apply to those who were older than 18 but acting under coercion) the court shall order an expungement for the prostitution conviction or guilty plea. The petition must be made to the court in which the person pleads guilty or was sentenced for the offense.

Sexual Abuse of Children

Section 170.045 requires schools to provide trauma-informed sexual abuse prevention trainings to students in grades 6-12

Beginning in the 2020-2021 school year Missouri schools will be required to provide sexual abuse prevention training to students grade 6-12. Parents must be notified and are allowed to pull their children from those classes if they choose. The courses must provide children with the knowledge and tools to recognize sexual abuse, the knowledge and tools to report sexual abuse, information about what actions a victim could take to obtain assistance and intervention, and available resources for students affected by sexual abuse.

Section 168.133.1 RSMo requires volunteers to be screened and undergo background checks

School volunteers must be screened and have criminal background checks before they are left alone with a student or have access to student records.

Section 162.203 RSMo requires orientation for school board members to include training on identification of child sexual abuse

Out of the 18.5 required hours of orientation training for elected and appointed school board members, 2.5 of those must be “up to date and reliable” trainings on how to identify signs of sexual abuse in children, and danger signals of potentially abusive relationships between children and adults. Annual one hour refresher trainings are also required.

Section 210.110 RSMo adds school personnel and volunteers to the law defining child abuse

The section of law that defines child abuse has been amended to include abuse by school personnel, contractors, and school volunteers, and includes abuse or neglect that occurred outside of school hours or off school grounds.

Child Custody: Relocation

Section 452.377 RSMo gives parents the right to file a motion against the proposed relocation of a child by the other parent

A parent who files a child relocation motion with the court is now required to inform the other parent via certified mail of their right to file a motion in opposition to the proposed relocation. The information is designed to inform the parent that they must include an affidavit specifying the “good-faith factual basis” of their opposition, and it must be filed within 30 days of receiving the written notice.

Child Custody: Grandparent Relocation

Section 452.402 RSMo allows courts to grant visitation to grandparents if they are denied visits for more than 60 days

A court may order grandparent visitation with grandchildren if the grandparent has been “unreasonably” denied previously awarded visitation for more than 60 days and the court has determined that it is in the child’s best interest to have visits with the grandparents. This does not apply if the child’s parents are legally married to each other and are living together with the children.

Do you know someone who has been impacted by sexual assault?

When the victim told you what happened, did you know how to respond?  Did you feel helpless or unsure of what to say?  Did you worry that you might say the wrong thing?

If you didn’t know how to respond, you are not alone, and this post is for you.

In order to know how to help, it is important to first understand what sexual assault is as well as the warning signs.

Sexual Assault is any unwanted sexual contact or verbal communication, that forces a person to engage in sexual activity without established consent.

Coercion is the practice of persuading someone to do something by the use of force or threats; this is also a form of sexual assault. No means no the first time!  Individuals that use coercion may ask over and over again, causing the victim to feel pressured into saying yes. Once hearing yes, the individual feels justified in his or her actions, even though the victim said “no” eight times before saying “yes.” If a person feels pressured into saying “yes,” consent has not been established.

Emotional signs of sexual assault:

• Difficulty with trust – victims of sexual assault may find it difficult to trust others or experience challenges in forming or maintaining relationships.
• Isolation – victims of sexual assault may withdraw from friends, family member, or social activities.

Physical signs of sexual assault:

• Bruises
• Bleeding (vaginal or anal)
• Difficulty walking
• Soreness
• Broken or dislocated bones
• Anxiety

Ways to help someone that has experienced sexual assault:

• Show empathy, believe the survivor. Everyone processes trauma in a different way so try not to be judgemental based on their behavior or the amount of time it takes for a survivor to heal. You can use phrases such as “I believe you”, “Thank you for sharing”, “This must be tough for you”.
• Communicate to the survivor that the incident is not their fault. You may need to communicate they are not to blame more than once but you can say, “This wasn’t your fault” or  “You didn’t do anything to deserve it”.
• Be emotionally supportive, show concern about what the survivor has shared with you about the incident. You can say “This shouldn’t have happened to you” or “I care about you and I’m here if you need anything”.
• Provide the victim with resources and allow them to make their own decision about the next steps in their recovery.
• Check-in and let the survivor know that you are still there if they need you. It may not be easy for them to reach out to make sure they know that you care and will support them on their terms.

It is also important to know that if you are close to a victim of sexual assault, like a family member or a close friend, it is normal to experience feelings of anger, sadness, or guilt.  If you experience any of these feelings, you should also seek support from the available resources to get the help you may need as well. Below are some local resources you can share with anyone who may need them.

Resources

The Women’s Safe House
314-772-4535

Women’s Resource Center YWCA
314-531-1115

Safe Connections
(314) 646-7500

Magdalene St. Louis
314-339-5216

Online Resources

The Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network

National Sexual Violence Resource Center

Staff Discussion: January 2019
It’s Time for Action

With the release of the “Surviving R. Kelly” documentary, there has been a new level of visibility on his many victims. While R. Kelly’s abusive and predatory behavior is not new news, the documentary brings to light that young women of color are his primary victims, and they have been speaking out for years.  Here at The Women’s Safe House, we asked the questions, why is it so hard to believe women of color when they come forward as victims? And, what can we do as advocates to help?

Where do we begin?

TWSH staff came together to discuss this topic in January. Our discussion started by looking at how rape culture is portrayed in the media. We live in an age where famous individuals have great influence over younger generations who aspire to dress, act, and even use the products that these “icons” are promoting. Media often portrays young girls as hyper-sexualized in the way they dress and act, while men are shown treating these hyper-sexualized younger women as objects. As consumers, we absorb what is being shown to us, some are able to use a critical eye and realize that these behaviors and stereotypes are fictionalized and should not be followed, however, some believe that the media is promoting what is seen as acceptable/normal behavior.

Why is that a problem?

1. Our children are listening to and being influenced by this music
2. Both girls and boys believe this behavior is okay because it is normalized
3. A lot of money being made off of promoting unhealthy and abusive behavior
4. Women of color are less likely to be believed when they come forward with claims of abuse

We spent some time discussing why women of color are not believed and their stories aren’t given the same amount of attention as others may receive. There was one question that really struck me, “Why does it feel like we (people of color) always have to support our own but no one else does?” The discussion opened up and the following comments were made.

• We feel that way because we have and continue to suffer so much oppression in the community
• You don’t report rape you just put it away and heal your wounds but in turn, it is passed on to your daughters and young children that you don’t tell
• Old spiritual and cultural beliefs reinforce silence on these issues
• Sometimes there are people in our own community that don’t believe us

Our discussion also touched on the stresses facing mothers raising young black men.  We touched on fears of their son’s potential negative experience driving while black, as well as concerns that their sons could be falsely accused of rape.  We recognize that an estimated 2-4% of rape accusations are false, so while the chances of a false accusation are low, it could potentially ruin a person’s life, especially if you are a person of color.

How do we create a culture of support, respect, and consent?

As advocates for women and children that have experienced domestic violence, we need to understand how to best help our clients. We have to lead by example. So below are some action items that we can take in and out of our shelter:

1. Support and believe women of color
2. Teach children what consent means.
   • For victims of domestic violence, control over their body and circumstance is important because the abuser took control away from the victim, leaving them to feel helpless.
   • Even small children can learn to understand the concept of consent by asking them for permission to be hugged or giving them the ability to say no to other forms of physical contact (like sitting on someone’s lap, playing with someone, or coloring).
3. We ask people to be touched, even parents ask their children.
4. In the shelter, we explain to everyone why we ask for permission and why we don’t hit when we become frustrated. It is important for parents to understand that hitting was used for the mother as a means of control and if you hit children it is perpetuating that cycle of abuse.
5. Ask kids to think critically about what they are consuming to see how they are interpreting media.
   • For example, if you notice a relationship in a movie or music video that displays abusive behavior such as stalking, harassing, controlling, etc; ask how they feel about that relationship? Do they feel like that behavior is acceptable in a partner? What would they do if a partner treated them that way?
6. Examine what we do and say in our everyday lives. Even the most well-meaning comment may be letting you know that you need to protect yourself from rape when we need to focus on why people rape. For example: If you come downstairs and your shirt is a V-neck and your mother tells you, you better be careful. The signal we send is that we as women need to protect ourselves from rape.

We want to see a change in our community.  In order to make that happen, everyone has to take steps toward change. We are willing to be the movement and we hope you will join us. It’s time to take action!

What can you do to help with this movement?
Send us your thoughts, comments, and ideas to Burgandy Fitzhenry at Bfitzhenry@twsh.org

Volunteer Spotlight:
Fatima Moufarrige

Fatima started volunteering with The Women’s Safe House last year. She’s been such a valuable resource for our staff and residents. We’re very lucky to have her on our team and that’s why we’re recognizing her as our Spotlight Volunteer!

Can you tell us a little about yourself?

If you ask me where I am from, I won’t be able to tell you. I was born and raised in Paraguay, my parents are Brazilian, and my grandparents are Lebanese and Italian. I lived in 5 different countries and because of that, I have an urge to travel and learn about new people and cultures.

I originally came to the US to study architecture at The University of Kansas, which I did, and after a lot of sleepless nights and hard work, I graduated with a Master in Architecture. After graduating I got a job at an architecture firm here in St. Louis and I’ve been here ever since. I love what I do.

Why do you volunteer at The Women’s Safe House?

Volunteering at The Women’s Safe House was and has been such a great experience. I was able to work with people who are passionate about helping others and want to make a difference in people’s lives. It made me open my eyes to the reality of the less fortunate and want to help more.

What do you enjoy most about volunteering with us?

Being able to be part and help with the Adopt a Family program was one of the most meaningful experiences. We had so many donations and it was amazing to see and feel the goodness in people. The news can sometimes put us down, but experiencing the end of the year at The Women’s Safe House was so inspiring.

Anything else you would like to share?

I am so grateful to have been able to help out at TWSH and I would encourage everyone to reach out and help! (Chances are you’ll leave feeling AWESOME about the time you invested at TWSH!!)

Interested in learning more about volunteering with The Women’s Safe House? Contact Monica at 314.772.4535 or mdubois@twsh.org

PRESS RELEASE
For Immediate Release
January 4, 2019

Contact: Burgandy Fitzhenry
Public Relations Manager
314-772-4535
bfitzhenry@twsh.org

Domestic Violence in St. Louis

The Women’s Safe House is deeply saddened by the recent incidents of domestic violence homicides during this holiday season. Domestic violence continues to plague the St. Louis community and it does not discriminate against gender, race, age, religion, sexual orientation, or socioeconomic status. It’s all too common for us to turn on the local news and see that there has been another homicide or reported case of domestic violence. In 2018, there were 18 known domestic violence homicides throughout the St. Louis region with 5,593 incidents of domestic violence being reported*.

As a domestic violence shelter we frequently ask ourselves, what more can we do? How can we make a larger impact on the community? One answer that comes to mind is more education about domestic violence and the available resources in the community. It seems like a simple answer for a complex problem, but we believe that by educating our community, we can take a step closer to ending the cycle of violence.

If you have ever asked yourself what more can you do, here are some actionable things you can do that could potentially help save the life of someone who is experiencing domestic violence.

1. Educate yourself. It is important that as a community we are able to recognize the signs of abuse. Some of the red flags are isolation from friends and family, extreme jealousy, threatening violence, harassment, shaming, and stalking.
2. If you suspect something, say something. All too often, friends and family say they suspected that abuse might be taking place, but they were not sure how to address it or what to do about it. Ask questions and share resources in a way that is safe for the victim.
3. Be supportive of those that confide in us and remember to share resources. You don’t need to be in charge of making decisions for someone else’s life, but you can be that helping hand that lets them know there are options other than living in violence. There are programs and services offered in St. Louis that can help victims with safe shelter, support groups, or to understand how to get legal help.
4. Understand that the safest immediate solution is not always “just leave”. Did you know that when a woman makes the decision to leave her abuser, it is the most lethal time in that woman’s life, and, if the abuser has access to a gun, the lethality of the victim increases by 400%. Resources exist in our community that can help a victim take the necessary steps to safely leave his or her abuser.

The Women’s Safe House is an emergency domestic violence shelter that provides safe shelter and resources to empower women to gain independence after leaving.  Too many times we see women come through our doors that are afraid for their life and the lives of their children. Most importantly, these women don’t want their children to end up in the same cycle of violence that they escaped.

For additional information regarding The Women’s Safe House, visit our website at www.twsh.org, our 24-hour hotline is 314-772-4535. Additional resources to access domestic violence services include Safe Connections, St. Martha’s Hall, Lydia’s House, ALIVE, Kathy J. Weinman, and Crime Victim Advocacy Center.

*DV and Homicide incidents from Missouri State Highway Patrol

Service Spotlight
McCarthy Building Companies
Heart Hat Volunteers

Earlier this month, the Heart Hats team at McCarthy Building Companies volunteered their time and resources to provide TWSH with substantial shelter improvements. McCarthy went above and beyond any donation or service project we could have imagined. Before the service day, McCarthy came to tour the facility and discuss the needed maintenance and ways they could help. The following week Heart Hats volunteers returned with supplies in hand and spent an entire day with us making repairs. Services provided included new flooring in our AfterCare office, replacement of lighting fixtures in the dining area, mounting a TV in our community room, servicing sixteen furnaces, and painting our community room as well as the upstairs residential hallway.

There aren’t enough thank yous that can show our gratitude for McCarthy. Our shelter is a temporary home to over 450 women and children each year providing residents with over 12,000 bed nights. The Women’s Safe House knows the stress individuals of domestic violence face while living in a shelter and the uncertainty they deal with while looking for permanent housing, adding another layer of stress while trying to overcome trauma and focus on healing. Because of this stress, TWSH strives to provide a safe space that feels more like a home and McCarthy has been helping us achieve this goal for 10 years. McCarthy continues to support TWSH in many ways by sponsoring our special events, sending Heart Hats volunteers for a yearly project, and having staff on our Board of Directors. We wouldn’t be nearly as successful serving domestic violence victims if it weren’t for our dedicated volunteers and corporations, like McCarthy, that support our mission. So thank you, McCarthy, for being a generous and dedicated supporter.

If you are interested in learning more ways that you or your organization can get involved with The Women’s Safe House please email our Volunteer Manager, Monica DuBois or call 314-772-4535.

Time is the most precious gift you can give and by volunteering with TWSH you will be making a difference that you can see!

Below is a message from the children in our shelter to the superheroes on the Heart Hats team!